The Adventures Of 15 Psychos And A Potato Peeler
by Aberlemno
Summary: Kuja gets a new weapon. A really stupid one. PG for slight language but nothing that bad.
1. It's a WHAT? With a WHAT glued on?

The Adventures of 15 Psychos and an Intergalactic Potato Peeler  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that happens to turn up in this fanfic, apart from having a patent on the magical potato peeler that is so dear to my heart.  
  
Here are the wanderings of a crazy mind that just had waaaay too much sugar.  
  
Chapter 1: It's a WHAT? With a WHAT glued on?!  
  
The sky is dark over Memoria. 8 very familiar warriors stand triumphant. An evil force kneels, defeated, red feathered hair streaming out behind him. At the head of the victorious party, a young man with sandy blonde hair surveys the scene. ' Ha-HA, you thonged freak!' ' Oh for the love of Garland!' replies his brother and sworn enemy.(All because Kuja had a bigger doll's house as a child.) ' You don't think it's gonna be all that easy' do ya?' 'Well actually, we HAVE just defeated you and you have no means of escape. I like to think it IS that easy.' 'You didn't count on me having this new weapon, did ya?' Kuja waves something that looks suspiciously like a potato peeler with a cocktail umbrella glued to the handle under Zidane's nose. 'What the hell is that piece of junk?' the teenage thief asked, fiddling with every moveable piece on the evil kitchen equipment. ' Careful! It's a VER DELICATE IMPLEMENT!!!' 'Yeah, but what does it DO?' ' It transports people to different dimensions - HEY! Why am I telling you all this? I HATE YOU, you're my worst enemy! 'Who cares,' Zidane decided it wasn't worth it. 'Useless piece of chocobo crap!' He throws it to the ground and started stomping on it. ' Nooooooo!!!!!' Kuja screams and the world swirls around them. 'Nooooooo!!!!!' everyone screams and the world goes blank.  
  
I would very much appreciate if you could R&R on this and also Tattered Wing's Fantavisation Street, cos he told me to say that. 


	2. Thoong Ahoooy!!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters but it doesn't matter anyway because I'm so skint all you'll get if you sue me is 10p and a half-sucked gobstopper.  
  
Chapter 2: Thoooong Ahoooy!!!! On a stone platform in a vast expanse of water, a boy in purple and a girl in pink are standing. The boy has an outsize nail file with materia slots. All outta nowhere, a damn cool and quite hot BASTARD comes flyin' outta the sky' wielding a bigger nail file with more materia slots. Behind him comes a man with purple hair(now he's outta his trance) wearing a metal thong who is backed up by a half monkey, a girl in skintight orange lycra, an eight feet tall man with the worst haircut known to man, a six year old with a horn, a guy in bad need of a tin opener, a rat in red bloomers, a blimp with no connection to the plot and a really cute piece of black matter in a big hat. The boy in purple, named Cloud is the only one who can see this bizarre display as they are whizzin' in from behind the girl (Aeris, as I'm sure you all guessed). Sephiroth', the cool hot bastard, lands and lifts his nail file to stab Aeris. The thong man kicks his head from behind and they all go flyin' into the water. The other eight freaks land in a pile on top of Aeris. AS potato peeler with a cocktail stick glued to the handle falls on top of the pile. Cloud blinks stupidly and curses himself for having a draw on Cid's joint earlier.(And you thought it was a cigarette? How naïve!) Over in the water Sephy is absolutley furious, as you might be when someone who looks like the star of a bad porn movie gives you serious concussion and ruins your evil plans.  
  
'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING AT??!!' yells the incensed Dark One. ' Er..tiddlywinks?' asks Kuja, somewhat disorientated. 'FREEEAAAAKK!!!!!!' screams Sephy and kicks him right out of the water where he lands at Cloud's feet. Cloud looks up and Kuja looks down. ' Hiii.' 'Hi- can I get my magic potato peeler back- pweeease?' Cloud blinks, again stupidly. There is a muffled squeak from below the pile of intergalactic bodies. 'Hey! I have a 20-stone man in full armour sittin' on my face and it ain't pretty!' 'How COULD we forget about Aeris?' Cloud asks, and kicks the pile in a gesture implying 'get up you pile of freaky aliens'. They untangle themselves. 'Excuse me?' says Freya. 'But can you tell us who has the intergalactic potato peeler please?' ' WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED BY THE BLOODY POTATO PEELER?!?!' Sephy has made his way up from the stagnant pond. 'It's cool,' says Zidane. 'It's magic,' says Dagger. 'It has a cocktail umbrella glued to the handle,' says Kuja.  
  
'Hey!' Tifa yells from off to the left. 'What in the name of Don Corneo's Y- fronts is going on out there? What's up with the potato peeler?' 'Do you know I have absolutely NO bloody idea?' replies Cloud.' One of you guys- what about thong boy, he looks in charge- tell us what you are doing here, why you just fell out of the sky, and, more importantly, if I am halulcinating?' 'HE IS NOT IN CHARGE!!!' yells Zidane, outraged at the very thought. Yes I am, it's my potato peeler!!' says Kuja, deeply flattered. 'Just TELL US,' shreiks Sephy, waggling his nail file in Kuja's face. ' Don't get so TOUCHY, man,' says Kuja. 'You'll never believe this, but.' * * * One VERY long story draws to a close. ' .and instead of worshipping my potato peeler, this wortthess taily JUMPS on it like it was a bloody TRAMPOLINE-' 'Like this,' says Zidane, demonstrating. Cue everyone screaming 'Noooo!!!' and the world going blank.  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! Next chapter: Quina faces death by Raiden. 


	3. One hell of a good cheat!

Hi loyal fanbase(!). Apologies for chapter 2 probably being full of spelling mistakes but my spellchecker was pissing me about. Disclaimer: OH STUFF IT!!! I OWN THEM ALL..MWAHAHAHAHA!!! MINE ALL MINE!!! Ahem. on with the fic.  
  
Chapter 3: One hell of a good cheat!  
  
Two crazy sugared up gamers are playing Final Fantasy 7 at three in the morning, in my personal opinion the best time to play it. 'Heeey! Time for the best bit.. The death of giant shouldered cow!' Something SLIGHTLY different from the original plot starts to begin. ' OOOOH MY GOD!!! That did NOT happen the first time we played this!' 'Heeey, it's Kuja! musta done a cheat!!!'  
  
The playstation screen swells up alarmingly and blows out Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, Sephy, Kuja, Zidane, Dagger, Eiko, Steiner, Quina, Amarant and Quina. (Apologies if I missed anyone there!) 'HELL of a good cheat!'  
  
There is a small squeak from the TV. Vivi is waggling his legs- in Ancient City. He is waving his arms- on earth. 'My legs are in a parallel dimension to my own, my head is in another and I don't think anyone quite believes I'm real in EITHER of them. This is not helping my existence problem!!!' 'Does he have ISSUES?' Sephy raised his perfectly plucked eyebrows. 'He's kinda factory produced and somehow escaped from being the only one of his kind who does not exist only to kill. Nah, no issues there,' Zidane informs him. 'Right, you pull one arm Kuja, Sephy get the other one.' Can't I just cut him with the potato peeler?' Kuja let slip to the well-hidden existence of a mean streak hiding behind his sweet, kind, thong clad exterior, which surprised me as I didn't think he was capable of hurting a fly. Exterminating whole communities in one go perhaps, but not FLIES, oh no.  
  
'Yeah, do that,' said Amarant. Everyone stares at him. Not because of the Vivi- slicing opinions but because he actually SPOKE.  
  
Sephy and Kuja play Tug-o-Vivi. The gamers have been staring like a pair of owls on acid. 'WELL?' demands Tifa 'Where are we? Is THIS your stupid promised Land, Sephy?' 'It better bloody not be,' says Aeris. ,I like to think we Ancients have better taste for our holy land than FLOWERY WALLPAPER. And that carpet is just EEEWW.'  
  
'Is this some kinda Changing Rooms stunt?' asks a very confused gamer. 'Some kinda what/' ask 13 very confused polygon people. 'SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE WE ARE' screams Sephy, and bursts into tears. 'Er.Scotland. Ever heard of it?' 'Is that near Alexandria?' asks Steiner, because in his view anywhere important has to be near Alexandria. 'That's that crappy new housing development near Nibelheim, isn't it?' suggests Cloud. 'It's not as cool as Terra,' Kuja gloats. 'Wherever it is, it has crappy interior deco, doesn't it - ' 'SHADDAP ABOUT THE INTERIOR DECORATION, AERIS!!!' a stressed Sephy screams. 'But don't you think the choice of furniture says so much about a person?' 'NO!! I'LL MAKE YOU EAT THE BLOODY SOFA IN A MINUTE! BY RIGHTS YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!! IT'S KUJA'S FAULT YOU'RE NOT!! All his fa-a-ault!!' and Sephy bursts into tears for the second time today. 'I'M HOMESICK,' screams Eiko, who also bursts into tears. 'I LEFT MY HAIRGEL IN ANCIENT CITY,' yells Cloud, who also bursts into tears. ' NO-ONE KNOWS WHO I AM SO THEY'RE NOT SCARED OF ME,' yells Amarant. Guess what, he bursts into tears.  
  
'Who the hell are you two anyway?' Kuja demands of the gamers. 'You're pretty cute, whoever you are!' says Zidane, chatting up the blonde one. ' MY NAME'S JACK AND I'M NOT A GIRL!!!' 'OK, well you can be cute then,' Zidane moves to the next, definitely female gamer. 'Hi.I'm Rose!' 'I'm Zidane and I have a stupid lace collar.' 'I know, I'm a big fan of yours!' Dagger pulls Zidane's tail and runs off t cry behind the sofa. 'ME WANT FOOD,' screams Quina and it runs off to the kitchen. It returns with a potato peeler, common or garden variety. 'They have magic thingy too, look Kuja.' 'Huh,' he replies cynically. 'It doesn't even have a TOOTHPICK glued on. How very backward.' 'This place so rubbish and no good' said Quina in a very annoying voice. 'YAAAAH!!!,' yells Jack.' DON'T INSULT MY KITCHEN IMPLEMENTS!!' And he stabs Quina to death with the potato peeler. 'Thank Jenova,' said Sephy. 'That thing pissed me off!'  
  
Author's little note: Sorry if this turns out all one big paragraph but the fanfic people change the formatting and I don't know how to sort it! Please review me or I would feel sad and lonely and that would be bad.  
  
Next chapter: The gang discover the dubious pleasures of McDonalds (sorry, that's a trademark I meant RANDOM CRAPPY BURGER CHAIN. 


	4. SAAUUSAAGEE FIIIGHT!

Disclaimer: If you have refused to accept that I don't own any of the characters by now you are clearly only looking for a fight.  
  
Chapter 4: SAUSAAAAGE FIIIIIGHT!!!!  
  
Later on that morning, Rose and Jack come downstairs to find their living room empty except from Aeris crying in the corner where the sofa was.or had been. She is completely bloated to about twice her normal size. ' WHAT FRESH HELL???' 'Sephy made me eat the sofa,' she sniffs, and bursts into noisy tears. 'Where'd the rest of them go? asks Rose, not entirely sure she wants to know the answer. 'To look for food. They were hungry.' 'Now why couldn't you have shared the sofa?' wondered Jack.  
  
***  
  
Nine(count 'em) psychotic polygon people are rampaging down a busy street. 'Iiiii'm huuuuungry,' whines Eiko. 'So am IIIII' chimes in Kuja. Steiner bangs their heads together. Kuja bangs Steiner's head off a lamppost. No-one notices as this is completely standard behaviour in Edinburgh. They spy a brightly lit Mc Don- whoops, trademark, RANDOM CRAPPY BURGER CHAIN. 'Hey, ' says Tifa. 'There's a brightly lit random burger chain.' 'LET'S GO!' yells Cloud, who isn't sure if he's still under the effects of the joint, but if he is, he's damn well gonna get a burger out of it. 'What in Gaia's a burger?' asks Dagger. 'Don't they even have burgers in your world?!' Sephy is gobsmacked. 'No, we don't , so tell us what they are!' 'But what do you eat then? O.K, basically a burger is all the scrapings off a meat factory floor, squished into a round shape, flung into a stale bun which the waitor proceeds to spit into and call it relish.' 'Sounds good, let's go.'  
  
The entire lot of them cram round a small plastic table, munching hotdogs. 'I don't like mine,' complains Zidane, sticking his up Kuja's nose. 'HEY!' protests Kuja, whacking Zidane over the head with his. 'SAAAUUUSAAAGE FIIIGHT!!!!' yells Sephy at the top of his voice. Complete chaos ensues. Cloud opens a ketchup sachet and squirts it everywhere. Then Tifa empties her cola all over Freya's head. Amarant orders an ice cream and splats Dagger with it. Sephy empties the bin all over everyone's head. They get completely ignored by all staff. Vivi walks up to the counter. ''Scuse me?' he asks politely. 'Can I get a straw for my juice please?' 'WHAT?!!' asks the employee in a stupid apron. 'NO! GET OUT!' Well DONE Vivi' says Zidane bitterly, hitting him as he passed. A small black mage makes a firm resolution NEVER to trust anyone in a red and yellow cardboard hat and a badge saying 'I am Darren and I have no life'. 


	5. How Could They Do This To Us?

Disclaimer: I still haven't bought Final Fantasy characters. Or Pajama Sam, not that I'd want to.  
  
Chapter 5: How can they DO this to us?!?  
  
Later that day, the gang of hyped up sausage warriors are still terrorising Edinburgh City Centre. Under new law, the castle now belonged to Alexandria, but this made no difference because no-one actually believed in Alexandria anyway. This seriously pissed Dagger off and several unsuspecting tourists had been Arked. Kuja had bought a giant bag of new thongs (including some edible ones) because the metal ones were chafing. Eeeww. They had been tramping round town for hours and were about to head back to Rose and Jack's house, who had spent the day sofa-shopping with a still-tearful and terminally embarrassed Aeris. Just ONE more shop, which they picked because it had pretty colours on the logo. 'I got a thong in these colours!' Kuja informs the disgusted group. 'DON'T MAKE ME THINK THAT!!' squeals Eiko, who proceeds to steal his brand new Tiny Tears doll as punishment. Kuja sniffles in the corner. They troop into the shop, which just HAPPENS to be a computer games shop. Would it really be anything else in this kind of fanfic? They browse the shelves, leaving all the games they'd looked at on the floor behind them. 'Hey!' shrieks Sephy. 'How RUBBISH does this game look? The baddie is SO cheesy, and the hero has SUCH a crap hairdo!' 'Ha! What's it about?' 'Lessee.HEY!!!! Listen to this! Cloud Strife is a cold hearted mercenary.Shinra corporation.. THEY'VE REDUCED OUR LIVES TO 3 CRAPPY DISCS AND SOME CHEESY LINES ABOUT SORCERY AND SCIENCE!!' 'NOOOOO!!!' yells Tifa who starts to cry noisily in the middle of the shop floor. Cloud takes every copy of the game he can find, plus some he can't, just to make sure, and uses omnislash on each one. They get completely ignored by all staff. Vivi approaches the counter. 'Hi,' he says timidly. 'Can I buy a coy of this game please?' He holds up a copy of Pajama Sam: You Are What You Eat From Your Head To Your Feet. (Yes, an ACTUAL game...) 'WHAAAT?! NO, GET OUT!!!' 'Well DONE Vivi' says Cloud, omnislashing him AND Pajama Sam as he passed. 'OOOOW' squeaks Pajama Sam. Vivi stares at the disc case like it's a bomb and Firagas it. Then he adds people in ties and badges saying 'I am Kevin and I'd Hate to Help' to his Don't Trust list. On afterthought, idiots in suspect stripy jammies went on there too.  
  
Next Chapter: Sephy finds religion.. 


	6. Become a Jenova's Witness and eat teensy...

Disclaimer: It rained on my new haircut , my key is jamming in the door and fanfic.net is having problems uploading things. If you value your life do not make my day any worse by trying to sue me.  
  
Author's little note: This chapter should maybe be P.G 13..I dunno, but it has nudeness..EEK!! And I would like to apologise in advance for the shameless cameo.  
  
Chapter 6: Become a Jenova's Witness and eat teensy cute flowers. Or something.  
  
On the way home, Sephy walks up to a door and knocks hard. A blonde girl in a blue dress opens the door. 'Hi!' says Sephy. 'I wondered if you were interested in becoming a Jenova's witness? We meet every Sunday for mass at the Ancient's Temple.My name's Saint Sephy by the way!' 'NOOOO!!!' she screams and throws a hardback unabridged bible at his head. Sephy runs down the street in terror, tears of fear gushing from his eyes. 'YAAAH!!! MENTAL RELIGIOUS FANATIC!!!!' 'He can talk.' mutters Eiko.  
  
The gang arrive back at Rose and Jack's house. Sephy pounds at the door screaming. 'HELP! LEMME IN! YOUR WORLD'S FULL OF LOONIES!!' 'He's scared of Christians!' points out World Stirring Things Champion Eiko. 'Awww bless..' remarks Rose, opening the door only to have Sephy thrust a giant brightly coloured pile of Jenova's Witness pamphlets into her arms. 'Have these, no-one else seems to want them.' 'What makes you think I do?' They troop in and spot the new, sickeningly pink sofa. 'Like it?' Aeris chirps. 'It's in Sunset Magenta no. 26 and I got it to match THAT flower, see, the teensy cute one in the corner of the garden? And don't you just ADORE the little blue tassels, aren't they simply DARLING -' 'Right!' Sephy snaps. 'EAT THE DAMN SOFA - AND YER TEENSY CUTE FLOWER TOO!!!'  
  
By 10'o clock that night Aeris has eaten her second sofa of the day and has a teensy cute Sunset Magenta number 26 flower sticking out of her mouth. Sephy has a teensy cute smug grin on his mouth- until Aeris lets out a window rattling, sofa scented belch.  
  
'PER-LEASE!!' shuts everyone in complete and utter unison. 'By the way,' Freya points out. 'Where in the name of my stupid hat has the potato peeler gone? I just haven't seen it for a while..and I have to say if there's one person I don't trust it's.Well okay there's about 500 people I don't trust but..' 'See, this is why we hardly let her talk during the game,' says Dagger. 'Her point is where's the stupid piece of lethal kitchen equipment?' 'In my thong for safe keeping!' Kuja assures everyone. 'DON'T MAKE ME THINK THAT EITHER!' yells Eiko and steals his new Barbie Tea Set as punishment.  
  
'Waaait..' Kuja feels in his underpants to check. 'It ain't here!' The rather slow to catch on Jack yells 'DON'T DO THAT IN MY HOUSE!' and kicks the unfortunate Genome out of the window where he lands in an apple tree. 'Can we search for the peeler?' asks Zidane. 'Cos I wanna nose around in your house.' 'Sure,' says Rose. 'But only cos I think you're cute.' 'HEY!' yells Jack. 'AREN'T YOU DATING ME?!' Dating YOU?!' replies a shocked Rose. 'I thought we were flatmates? I hate to tell u this but I'm not actually a lesbian!' 'GOOD! Cos I'm not actually a woman!' 'WHAT??? YOU - MAN -ARE?!?!' 'Hence the name Jack!' I thought it was short for Jaqueline!' 'AAARGH!! HANDS UP WHO THINKS I'M FEMALE!' 14 very confused people raise their hands. 'So I'm dating you?' asks Rose, still trying to get to grips with this fact. 'YEAH!' 'Well you're dumped!' Jack runs out crying. 'So are you single NOW? asks Zidane. 'Yeah..' Dagger punches Zidane and runs to cry in the washing machine. Eiko tries to comfort her but she doesn't feel like talking so she kicks Eiko into the tree with Kuja. 'Hi Eiko! Welcome to the tree club! Of course the MAIN one's Iifa or Lifa, I can't actually read the map, but this can be our holiday home! Let's play at house! as long as I can be Mummy!' 'Oh Fen-riir..! Would you like to play?' 'O.K, O.K, you can be Mummy!' 'They completely deserve each other' Cloud tries to mutter to Sephy but he is already scrambling out of the window to join in.  
  
The remaining few who aren't playing preschool game or crying in the washing machine divide into peeler hunting pairs. Cloud insists on pairing with Tifa and they find themselves searching the bedroom. No prizes for guessing what happens. No prises for guessing who walks in and no prizes for guessing what she yells. But you can have a prize if you can guess why I bother to write this nonsense. 'TIFA I HATE YOU YOU BITCH CLOUD'S MINE!' yells an incensed Aeris. 'Oh yeah! I don't see your name on him!' How could you miss it? He has a tattoo!' 'Sorry Tifa.. I was drunk..' explains a red faced Cloud. 'But he PREFERS me! 'But I have better taste in interior decoration! 'Yeah, you literally taste it!' "That was not my fault..' Aeris goes beetroot and runs to cry in the sink, because Dagger had taken the washing machine. Cloud and Tifa resume their "buisness". Suddenly Cloud lets out a terrible shriek. 'Not that bad was it? asks Tifa. 'No, but I think I just found the potato peeler..'  
  
O.K, all together now-EEWW!! Especially when you realise that Cloud had enough impact on the peeler for the world to go blank and everyone ( especially him and Tifa) to yell 'noo!!' 


	7. The Place Inside My head I go When I hav...

Disclaimer: Oh for God's sake, you should know by now.  
  
Tidus fans ( WHAT??! You exist!) may have certain problems accepting that, concerning the events in this fanfic, that yes, I am right and he is CRAP.  
  
Chapter 7 The place inside my head I go when I have no friends.  
  
A beautiful cornfield scene is somewhat ruined by a crappy blonde half fish in abysmal dungarees skipping happily through it. You know who. There is a picturesque little well, all red brick and creeping flowers. Out of it pop 13 polygon people who are used to all this and 2 "normal" people who would swear that their morning tea was spiked.  
  
'AAAAH!' yells Tidus when he sees them. 'AAAAH!' they all yell when they see Tidus. 'Where are we NOW?' asks Cloud, covering himself up with Sephy's long hair. 'AAAH, PERVERT!' yells Sephy, grabbing his hair away. 'AAAH, NUDITY!' yells Tidus, covering his eyes. ' WHERE ARE WE, stupid dungaree kid?' demands Kuja, who is one to talk about dress sense. 'Tidus-land' replies Tidus in his annoying voice. 'WHERE?!' 'The place inside my head I go when I have no friends', he replies cheerily 'Which must be most of the time.' observes Dagger. 'OF ALL THE PLACES TO BE!' screeched Sephy. 'COULDA BEEN HELL, OR THE ZERO WORLD. BUT NO.IT HAS TO BE BLOODY TIDUS LAND!' 'Emm.that needs a hyphen..' Tidus corrects. 'I need CLOOTHES!' yells Tifa. 'No you don't,' says Cloud. 'I have some spare dungarees,' Tidus offers. 'NO WAY!' And with that, Tifa strangles him with Sephy's hair. 'MY BEAUTIFUL TRESSES ARE NOT A UTENSIL! Oh look. you killed him!! YAY! I'm not your enemy now, in fact I'll be your best fwend.' 'Let's be best fwends!' And they have a big Barney the Dinosaur style hug, which is pleasurable for Sephy as Tifa is still nude. Needless to say, Cloud sulks.  
  
***  
  
In a bid for decency, Cloud has been forced to wear the dungarees from beyond hell ad Tifa is wearing an old dress of Yuna's. I'll leave it to your imagination how this got left in Tidus's imagination. EEEEWW. 'You know,' says Aeris. 'I don't think we should have killed Tidus. He was ever so sweet, I liked him.' 'WHAAAT?' This statement causes Kuja to faint. 'Right,' says Sephy, pointing his Masamune brand nail file at Tidus' festering corpse. 'EAT.'  
  
Later, Aeris is crying, and vomiting profusely as it is normal to do when one has just been forced to eat a li'l half fish's corpse. Why couldn't Sephy just bloody well kill her in one quick, albeit tearjerkingly overdone, moment? One more forced consumption and she'd.well, she didn't know what she'd do, because, as everyone was so fond of pointing out, she was supposed to be dead by now. And because of this did not have one single decent offensive move. As Aeris pondered Sephy- splatting as an olympic sport, a terrible apparition appeared on the horizon. A troupe of naked dancing Yunas. 'Sweet Black Materia, what in the name of Jenova is that?' said Sephy and promptly fainted. Where's Tidus?' chorus the Yunas. 'I killed him!' boasts Tifa. 'With MY hair!' boasts Cloud. 'WHAT?! Sephy's hair!' "I know, but Sephy's unconscious, so I'm boasting for him.' Cloud informs the bemused group. 26 naked Yunas simultaneously burst into tears. 'Why are there naked Yunas anyway?' asks Steiner. 'Because we are trapped in the world's most irritating teenager's wet dream.' answers Kuja. The full awfulness of this statement starts to sink in. All of a sudden they ALL burst into tears. 'I will never look at a Playstation again in my life!' swears Rose. 'GET ME OUTTA HERE!!' yells Vivi. 'I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE!!' He grabs the potato peeler and Firaga's it. 'Yaaay!' everyone screams and the world goes blank.  
  
Author's note: Maybe that chapter shoulda been PG 13 as well, do naked Yunas count? Oh well, if you're traumatised it's too late now! Sorry! And I don't own Yuna, so don't sue me either! 


	8. Randomland!

Disclaimer: *eastenders accent * LEAVE IT! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!  
  
Chapter 8 :Randomland!  
  
A grumpy random teenager moches around a classroom. A random hyper teenager skips in, followed by a random teenage teacher. 'Hee hee hee!' says the hyper one. 'Sulking again, Random Teen Squall?' '.nothing.' says Random Teenager Squall. 'Hee hee hee! Nothing again! I knew you'd say nothing!' squeals Random Teenteacher Quistis. 'Hee hee hee!' yells Random teen Selphie and bursts into song. 'Train, train, train, take us away, faaaar away.' 'SHADDAP!' shouts Random Seifer, bursting in. 'Hey, puberty boy! You suck!' '.nothing.' says Random Teenage Squall. 'YOU ARE SO BORING!!!!' screams Random Teenage Hyper-Selphie. 'Whoops! I forgot I only have positive emotions! Hee heee heee!' 'As your teacher I have to tell you to shut up and good luck Seifer. 'I want no good luck,' says Random Teenage Sarky-Seifer. 'I have to fail my exam and turn evil, then I chat up Selphie and you al kick my ass while I call people chicken wuss.' 'Oh right,' says Random Teenteacher Quistis. 'Have no luck then.' 'Thanks, Chicken wuss. Date me Selphie.' Random teenage Love Interest walks in. 'Love me Squall,' says random Teenage Love Interest. '.nothing.' says Random Teenage Squall. 'Can I have her then?' asks Random Teenage Flirty-Irvine. 'Where did he come from?' asks Random Teenteacher Quistis. 'Who cares?' says Random Teenage Hyper-Selphie. 'He loves me, remember, Flirty-Irvine?' 'Who cares?' says Random Sarky-Seifer. 'We're all just random teenagers anyway.'  
  
They all sit around a bit.  
  
'.nothing.'says random Teenage Grumpy-Squall.  
  
Suddenly, breaking the silence and the double glazing, 14 freaky but familiar people whizz through the window screaming. 'Hiiiiii!!!!' yells Random Hyper-Selphie. 'We know you are.' says Random Flirty-Irvine. 'NOOOO!' yells Sephy, who can smell randoms at 50 paces and frankly thinks this place reeks of them even more than Tidus-land. 'Please, tell us where we are?' asks Dagger, going all polite and royal which she does when she's scared. Random Hotdog- freak Annoying Kung-fu Boy Zell jumps in. 'What's going on? Who are you? Who cares? Where are the hotdogs? I WANT HOTDOGS!!!!' And Random Hotdog-freak Annoying Kung Fu Boy runs out. 'I hatte that stoopid little Tidus precursor!!' yells Zidane. 'Who is he?' 'Who are YOU?' asks Random Hyper-Selphie. 'But first hear my train song - Train, train, take us awaaaaaay. 'SHADDAP!' yells Random Sarky-Seifer. 'HEY!' Cloud spots something. 'He's trying to be blonder than me! Can I kill him?!' 'HELL YEAH!!!' yells everyone else in the room. Except Random Squall. You can guess what he says. So Cloud kills Seifer. And steals his his hairgel. 'Sooo.' asks Random Teenteacher Quistis. 'Why ARE you here?' 'Errr.' answers Tifa. 'We thought it might be better than tidusland.' 'It isn't,' confirms Aeris. 'Your walls are such an ICKY colour.' But she shuts up when she notices Sephy looking from one of the desks to her mouth. 'So you come from Tidus land?' Random Love Interest attempts to get to grips with this.. 'OH DEAR GARLAND NO!!!' yells Kuja. 'We come from Terra!' 'Gaia!' interrupts Steiner. 'Earth!' puts in Jack. 'Err..the planet..' offers Cloud, not wanting hs nameless home to get left out of things. 'Well, we MOSTLY come from Gaia,' says Dagger. 'But Terra's COOLER!' complains Kuja. 'Who CARES?' shouts Vivi. 'Oh shut up, you're just jealous cos you're factory produced, and so don't really come from anywhere and therefore don't count!' snaps Zidane. Vivi cries under a table, muttering about Black mage Village. Selphie kicks Zidane and gives Vivi a big hug. Vivi Firagas her. While everyone argues about where they come from, Random love Interest starts fiddling with the potato peeler. 'How did you get here anyway?' asks Random Teenteacher Quistis. 'We used our magical potato peeler to warp dimensions and it selects a world at random, we go there, mess things up and leave,' says Kuja brightly, unaware of how stupid he sounds. 'Riiight,' says Random teenteacher Quistis, making a mental note to clamp down on college drug laws. 'Oooooh!' squeals Random Love Interest suddenly. 'Does your li'l peeler thingy need the weeny umbrella bitty? Cos it kinda doesn't have it anymore.' 'WHAAAAAAT?!?!' Actually, 'WHAAAAAAT?!?!' is the closest I can give you to what Kuja really yelled in a hilariously girly way without raising the rating quite a lot. 'THAT IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE PEELER'S WORKING! YOU'VE BROKEN IT!' And he starts to cry like he's been bereaved of a loved one. Well, he has. He loved it like a brother. Actually he loved it a hell of a lot more than his real brother, as he was fond of reminding Zidane. 'Maybe it'll still work,' says Freya, jumping on it. 'Because in my life experience coctail umbrellas don't make a lot of difference, apart from they hurt when you shove tem up your.' 'WILL YOU SHUT UP YOU BURBLING FREAKY-FACED RAT! I DO NOT CARE THAT YOU HAPPEN TO SHOVE DRINKS APPARATUS INTO YOUR BUM!' screamed Kuja, who couldn't take much more. 'Who said bum?' asked Freya. 'I was talking about nostril.' 'Who CARES! Just fix the damn peeler!' But the world did definitely not go blank however much they stomped on it. 'But maybe it flickered a bit?' said Tifa in an attempt to be helpful. 'Wait, lemme get this straight.WE'RE stuck HERE?' This fact dawns on Cloud. 'Uh-huh,' confirms Eiko. 'With THEM?' 'Uh-huh.' 'For EVER?' 'You shouldn't have killed Random Sarky-Seifer,' Selphie informs everyone. 'This is KERMA.' 'Plus he was cute,' says Aeris. 'But not as cute as Tidus.' 'Why do you always fancy annoying blonde gits?' asks Dagger in a friendly manner. 'Gee, thanks,' remarks Cloud. 'You're one to talk! At least Tidus doesn't have a stupid TAIL!' 'HEEEY!!' yell Dagger, Zidane and Kuja. A full scale bitchfight with tail- pulling, thong-twanging and stupid-lace-collar-bow-tie-thingy-ripping ensues. Sephy sits down under a desk and starts to cry loudly for the fifth, if I counted right, and thankfully last, time this fanfic.  
  
THE END  
  
Wheeeee, there went my second ficcy! Please can you wonderful readers help me out by settling an argument: Is Melvyn a cool name for a vampire? I happen to think it is, and not in any way sad or unsuited to a vampire. But certain annoying parties are slagging the name and calling it dorky. Please tell them they're wrong and save all those vampires out there called Melvyn from an eternal unpopularity. Please also tell me how to get the damn ficcies to accept unsigned reviews cos I can't find ANYTHING to sort that. *puppydog eyes * Pweeeease? I'll give you a lollipop ( 


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